Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   Kind of shocked more professional fisherman aren't driving metal flaked vehicles as well.

   Be advised, if you read a status from me pertaining to driving, that I have safely pulled the vehicle safely off the road to update said status. Why? Because dying on the job wasn't in the contract. That is all

   I'm so full of Love I poot out Heart shape bubbles...<3 <3 <3 <3

   What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos?

   Julian Assange(Wikileaks) gives private info. on corporations to you for free and he's the villain. Mark Zuckerberg gives your private info. to corporations for money and he's Man of The Year.

   Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.

   I'm the kind of person who drinks hot chocolate and cappuccino in 90-degree weather and eats ice cream and drink ice slushies in 10-degree weather.

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. 

   Ya you and 103 other creepers like that photo too!!!

   I spent the afternoon scanning profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?