Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   I find it hard to believe that America is running anywhere on Dunkin'.

   what happened to all the good girls nowadays ? it's like looking water in the desert .

   #CoinStar is guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   When I'm bored nobody texts me. When I'm busy I'm the most popular person on the planet.

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood

   treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag!

   Why do we use our blankets as shields at night? Like is the monster gonna be like ” oh crap…..they have a blanket..RRRUUUUNNN!!!!”

   I don't care how old you are, When you see a balloon about to hit the floor, you dive too stop that sh*t.

   3 reasons why I'm single… Can't date food, can't date celebs, and I can't date the internet.

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.

   The one person you would take a bullet for is usually the one behind the gun.

   Boobs are like the sun. Ok to look, but dangerous to stare. But that's what sunglasses are for.

   Did anyone ever consider Dr. Suess on some serious drugs when he wrote those books? A 6ft. Tall cat with a 2ft. Tall hat. I mean c'mon!

   I'm really starting to get concerned about the lack of seatbelt use on the bangbus..

   It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.

   You get in the biggest fights with the people you care about the most, because they are the relationships you're willing to fight for.

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

   I guess "kick the bucket" will be the last think on my bucket list.