Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.

   I think it'd be cool if they put up a statue of me in a park where I'm shirtless and carving a statue of myself.

   Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.

   Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...

   Perfect weather for a little gardening outside. Now if I can just find my Mangroomer.

   Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower.

   that moment when your sarcasm is so second nature people actually think you are stupid

   It's all fun and games until someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   Tigers knee seem okay today only because he's leading.

   When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi down here?!?”

   Are "The Hunger Games" scored by calorie intake? If so, I would kick ass at that game

   If I were married to her, I'd be on Americas Most Wanted in 24 hrs.

   just got robbed at the gas station.. police came down and said "do you know who robbed you"? I replied "yes.. pump number 6"

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   It's very hard to read someone's body language when they are running away from you.

   watching hard core pawn is like watching when animals attack. If this is what people in Detroit acts like we may need to put a border fence around it and just pay Canada to take it.

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   Lying through your teeth doesn't count as flossing

   never on schedule...and always LATE!