Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I hate it when you look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes... you see someone in the car...

   This ugly person told me "I need my beauty sleep" I was think they really need to hibernate

   I do 5 sit-ups every morning/afternoon. That may not sound like much, but there is only so many times that you can hit the snooze button, before the clock gives up..

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

   My Optometrist told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision.

   Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?

   It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c@ckroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

   If I could be anything in the world I would want to be a teardrop because I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

   I didn't get any sleep! I'm so tired I could sleep with a horse... wait

   eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.

   MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.

   I still think The Hunger Games would be better with the characters from Glee fighting to the death.

   Let's start checking & accounting accounts together. Ha, Right!

   Lil Wayne Engaged, Wiz Khalifa Engaged, Snooki Pregnant & Engaged.... Everybody got a ring but Lebron.

   I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   Your legs must be sore ..cause you've been stomping my dreams for years.

   Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!