Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   Quick, how can you unmeet someone?

   I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian.

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It's dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!

   Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power

   If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

   Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a women asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ

   "Get off your high horse!" - Veterinarian who prescribed medical marijuana.

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode

   Look, kids. I think we can learn a valuable lesson from Whitney Houston's unfortunate passing. When snorting coke, wear a life jacket.

   Class reunions are pointless now. Because of Facebook I see all you f*ckers everyday.

   Science puts men on the moon. GOVERNMENTS fly planes into buildings. Religion has nothing to do with it except tricking people into thinking it was religion.