Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Had to go to a photo chop shop to get a good price on a new nose. I look amazing now!

   Suddenly Oil prices are more intresting than all this hype about Tebow!!!

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Words of wisdom - if you take a bath when you're high on cocaine, make sure you wear a life jacket.......

   Ever since that tiger mauled Siegfried's boyfriend, I think the line has been blurred between a fruit and a vegetable. Just sayin'.

   Why do I always want “that kind” of s*x when I know that it hurts you and that you hate it? Seems like you just answered your own question.

   When a random stranger offers you drugs on the street say thank you because drugs are expensive

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

   I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

   The new Def Leppard Rock Band game is such a rip off. It only came with one drum stick.

   Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.

   Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.

   I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.

   She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.

   The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful

   The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.