Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I stEverytime a kid shows me a picture or play dough sculpture, I have to do a better one. Not so proud now, are ya?

   Anyone know aspertame was made first as a ant poison? really..google it

   Everytime I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside

   Oprah named her channel OWN cuz she wants to own people like slaves

   chutes and ladders prepared me for lifes disappointments. They should have called it..Your jobs gonna suck

   I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.

   Bought my kid a giant backpack painted like a turtle shell, it even comes with a hoodie in case they feel shy

   Just saw a scab in front of my workplace, should I pick it

   gas prices still rising...back to horses...history repeats itself, Hellloooo Wild West

   went to a sorority house party, passed out and woke up with ovaries on my cheeks and a gaping √agina on my nose...it would have been funnier if they had just drawn something

   If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   condolences to Demi Moore a year ago she lost custody of Ashton Kutcher.jg

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   So if a naked chick does a full split on the ground should you consult the 5 second rule on whether you should eat it or not?