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My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke. 
It must be a tough for someone who suffers with Bulimia and OCD. Imagine eating alphabet soup & trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.
I was once in a band called Bulimia. We were sick
I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that's why I don't eat raisins.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
XBox Kinect - Just one more thing people in wheelchairs can't enjoy.
If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, so get in the van!
Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women
If Rihanna "loved the way it hurt", she'd still be with Chris Brown.
If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?
My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order.
I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I don't want to leave it the same way.
Rihanna's IQ is 117. Can you beat that? Chris Brown can!
The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. The number one cause of death? Not having a gun.
My old Grandad's motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you." He died of radiation poisoning.
Telling someone, “Good Luck in your future endeavors” is just a polite way of telling saying, "Go f--c--k yourself."
What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have herpes? Your dentist telling you that you have herpes.
I've just wrote a song about crabs. It's really catchy.
"We Found Love in a Swollen Face" by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown
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