Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   Facebook is like the fridge...you go and open the fridge for something to eat, nothing looks good. Then five minutes later go back hoping somethings changed...

   Come on PEOPLE!!! Romney DOES not use an Etch-A-Sketch... He "thinks" it's a computer.

   Why don't chickens wear underwear? 'cause their peckers on their head!

   If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   Any time you hear someone say, "Bless his heart, but" you know the next thing out of their mouth will be negative.ive.

   Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with huge sleeves that make you hug yourself with a cute belt.

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   so happy spring is finaly here.....i got so excited I nearly wet my plants!!!!!

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.