Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.

   I saw a sign at the coffee shop today 'experienced bakers needed, inquire within' .....my dream come true. 420

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   I notice one thing in common with almost all the detective shows...shallow grave...c'mon people ..if you werent so lazy, you wouldnt be in prison..

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.

   GUY: Babe, let's go to the zoo! GIRL: Sorry but I'm not ready to meet your family.

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat

   There is going to be no easy way to tell my GF that I'm leaving her. Mainly as she's deaf and I don't know sign language.

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians... as a pedestrian, I hate cars... WTF I'm walking here!