Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   Spring is finally here! Spring Cleaning or Spring Break partying.. the choice is pretty obvious. These shelves aren't going to dust themselves!

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   still crying 12 hours after putting his contact lenses. Never gonna eat Jalapenos with my hands again.

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....

   My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying.

   Crushed ice, needs to be placed higher on a pedastool.

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'

   Nothings worse than Single BicheZ talkin bout they Wife Material.. Thats like saying you Management material but Unemployed!

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.

   I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.

   The ability to get Pregnant is a Genetic trait. Scientific evidence shows that if your Parents never had any Children then neither will you...