Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   if you invest in a good industrial grade cheese grater, you can save a ton of money on pedicures.

   You are about as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   Michael Bay is changing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into aliens?! Doesnt that make them Teenage Alien Intergalactic Ninja Turtles, then? (TAINT)

   Im gonna get a bloodhound just so I know when to stay away from home once a month.

   A blind man at a nudist colony is having more fun than me right now.

   You guys are tearing up Tebow more than his Priest!

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   How is it when you're in kindergarten you don't want to take a nap, but in all the schools above elementary you would kill for one?

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   Nobody ever wants to give BiPolar people credit for being really great half the time.

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!