Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success.

   Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.

   Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.

   Now I have to buy a new jersey for my nativity baby Jesus

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.