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Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders. 
Man arrested after calling 911 three times to request a hooker. In his defense, the term "police escort" is kind of vague.
A good rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days...
The Dough boy died of a yeast infection. He's survived by his wife Jayne & daughter, Dill Dough. Services to be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
Tiger Woods fired his caddie today. I guess he'll have to wash his own balls and polish his own putter now.
in this day and age, slow and steady dont win anything...nitrous induced breakneck speed and partial mental instability wins the race...
my girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.. apparently " heating your dinner " wasn't the right answer.
when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?
I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.
I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".
still waiting for the "cabbage explosion".
If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?
I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.
It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"
I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die
For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO
R.I.P. the Best Guitarist that ever lived... Randy Rhoads
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.
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