Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   Let's face it, if St. Paddy's Day wasn't about getting completely sh*tfaced, we'd be celebrating it in the same manner we celebrate Arbor Day. (Shaddap! That's funny!)

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   I listen better to people when they make sense... or better yet... Dollars...

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   Billionaire Chaleo Yoovidhya, the co-founder of energy drink Red Bull and the second richest man in Thailand, died....Looks like he finally got his wings.

   This day thirty years ago, I gave the old excuse "My underwear are!".

   Success at age: 2- Not pissing your pants 12-13- Having friends 16-17-Having sex 20-35 Making money 40-50-Making money 60-65-Having sex 70-75- Having friends 80-100 Not pissing your pants

   not wearing any green! Watcha gonna do?!

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

   I want to join Herbal Magic...because according to the commercial once you join you can share your ideas with upper management.

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   Lil Wayne engaged, Wiz engaged, Snooki prego & engaged, damn everybody got a ring except Lebron!