Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

   Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!

   Say no to the FRIEND ZONE!

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   I about to start deleting and blocking a whole lot of people who lied about being interesting.

   Studies confirm that caffeine withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).

   When some girls says, "I'm sexy and I know it" it usually means, "She's slutty and she blows it."

   If I were found dead, the CSI's would check my wallet and find no money and assume it was murder and I was robbed. Good luck the investigation, my wallet never has money in it.

   If your not pissing green tomorrow, you're doing today wrong.

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   One thing everyone will learn in school: How to text without looking.

   Caught me a leprechau! He kept yelling at me, saying he's going to call the cops and sue me....ha, witty little leprechaun I know ur tricks.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."