Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   there's so much sexual tension in my apartment right now... I'm so tired of living alone.

   Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling "Hey Sl@t" and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless

   can't figure out if that kid on American Idol is Milli or Vanilli?

   My pen!s ejects bronzer if any of you ladies need a spray tan

   “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

   I saw Stevie Wonder in concert last year but I don't think he saw me.

   Once I stole a game of Risk at Toys “R” Us. But that's me, I'm a risk taker.

   Listening to whale sounds while my girlfriend takes a bath.

   We really owe it to our friends to tell them when their baby is ugly.

   What is it with lesbians? If they hate men so much, why do they dress like them? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   beware the ides of march...

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

   We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer!

   My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.

   time to diet, my belly button went from looking surprised to a full blown grimace

   Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.

   You can't judge a book by it's cover...but you can judge milk by it's smell.

   Just realized.. I called one of my customers from work 48 times.. While trying to vote for someone on a reality tv show... Whoopsies