Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   Tip: you can save a step in the morning by putting mouthwash on your cereal instead of milk.

   If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.

   Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit?

   70% of my enemies were once my friends.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.

   People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question

   I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.

   In the future, when it is discovered that what doesn't kill you DOESN'T actually make you stronger, I want to be the first to inject Kelly Clarkson with copious amounts of cobra venom. Let's be real, Miss Independent.