Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you know what I think is alarming?.... Clocks.

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?

   just purchased a very effective piece of weight loss equipment...its called a hula hoop

   I said to a fat girl today, "You're a big girl!" She replied, "Tell me something I don't know." I said, "Salad tastes good."

   At the airport heading off to spring break. TSA hassling me about my suitcase full of wet t-shirts.

   My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.

   there a law that says your socks have to match?

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.

   my dog is going off the rails on a gravy train...

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.

   Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five months.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   Roses are gray, Violets are gray, Crap. I'm a dog