Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.

   In Whiskey and Women… The young ones are fine, but I prefer the older ones — well aged and full-bodied.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.

   Paper cut: A tree's one glorious moment of revenge.

   What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?

   The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.

   Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

   I sure hope Flavor Flav remembered to set his clocks forward!

   I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it

   No Gramma, It's not the Oompah Loompah show, it's Jersey Shore.

   Boogity Boogity Boogity... Lets go racing boys!!!!

   Yoga is just very slow breakdancing for White people.

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.

   Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.

   Help! I'm an heiress trapped in the life of a peasant.