Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   “They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.

   Three things that shouldn't be broken : friendships, hearts and promises.

   “LOL” is the new way of saying “I really have nothing to say.”

   Odds are there is someone who is your “Facebook Friend” that you absolutely cannot stand and the only reason you keep them on your list is to watch their slow untimely demise.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying “LOL”.

   If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal models?

   You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   a single chest hair doesn't mean you're grown. if you have to write how manly you are, you're not manly

   Announcer: You've been married for 50 years? Do you have any tips for the ones to be married next. Old guy: It helps if your deaf.

   stayed awake to watch the Daylight Savings countdown, and still up from all the excitement. #TheyDidntDropABall

   Sad thing about the Twitter and Facebook youth = Draw Something lasted longer than #Kony2012 

   Amazing to think that I was once a helpless little baby but now I'm a giant helpless man

   Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. You don't hear them asking for 5 pounds a month.

   Women are never happy are they? I make her bacon and eggs in bed and all she can say is, "Get that f-kin cooker back downstairs now!"

   I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish.

   I now count my girlfriend as my best friend. It used to be Dave but he won't suck my c*ck.

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   Boy 1: My Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 2: No way my Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 3: Why are both your Dads naked in the playground?

   Yesterday someone gave me a piece of "humble pie''.....Mine tastes better.

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.