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My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother... 
A whole pot of and three Redbulls.....I can pronounce that symbol that Prince had for his name.
air guitar for sale! Any offers?
Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't.
Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Why do women feel the need to tell us men how to do our jobs?....I had a reason why I didn't pull out!
I fell asleep last night with my TV on watching a Jersey Shore marathon and this morning my Toshiba died of AIDS
I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!
Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.
You can keep your love, your trust is what attracts me.
Daylight Savings Time doesn't officially start until 2am... but don't worry about trying to remember to set your clocks... I will be calling everybody then to remind you...
was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Anyone else got that one drawer they wish they never opened?
Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"
HOW LONG IS THIS DORITOS COMMERCIAL!? Grandma, that's just Jersey Shore...
A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.
the only "kony" I'm supporting is the one that goes in my mouth.
Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.
LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
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