Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.

   if Americans took all that energy they spend insulting bieber and snooki and diverted it to the gym am sure you would be much happier and skinny

   A drunk person is just an awesome version of a sober person.

   if Foreigners would learn how to support themselves, America wouldn't be in debt all the time

   You know society is screwed up when a 10-year-old girl worries more about her weight than where her friends are hiding.

   Sexual pleasure (When done right) is a passion to which all others are subordinate, but in which they all unite.

   Ladies: If your guy gives you his jacket when you are cold, he expects you to give him sex when he's horny.

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it'd be about a guy who refills vodka bottles and puts them back on the self.

   For me, the sexiest part of a woman is her mind coz that's where she decides if she's going to have sex with you or not.

   Whenever I see fire truck rushing somewhere in the rain, I'm confused as to how the sky didn't already do the job.

   I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown

   If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”

   I've found the ultimate troll. Not only did he steal my status, but he corrected my punctuation.

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   I consider anyone who doesn't like bacon a terrorist.

   Playing the villain is so much more fun than kissing ass.

   No matter how cool you think you are... you still came out of a vajay so step off.

   If absence really makes the heart grow fonder, then the boss is going to *love* my new 2-day work weeks.

   Instead of sending me this annoying 21 Questions App invite, why dont you just inbox me your 21 questions and I will answer right away?