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Someone needs to invent a pill that makes saving money feel as good as spending it. 
The average person consumes 12 pubic hairs in their fast food every year. Want fries with that?
Angelina Jolie is so malnourished, that Madonna is going to adopt her.
My GF's an adult film actress .She's going to be furious when she finds out!
What kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones.
Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board.
Weird to think we're just sixteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.
Girls don't understand that waking up is usually the 2nd hardest thing in the morning.
You are not a "stay at home mom". If you were, then that means you never leave the house. Just say you are an unemployed mom. That makes sense and its not an insult.
I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.
"My missus thinks I've got herpes. I think she should F**k off and get her own peas.
Quote from the movie Project X..."That guys so old he probably graduated in 1986"..ouch .I'm frickin Dinosaur...
I'm pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
My girlfriend's baby is now two weeks late, so we're going to call it "Bieber." It just doesn't want to come out.
I would take Eddie Money's second ticket to paradise, then hope we're not seated together.
it just me, or are women really negative? It's always "No, no, no!" with them.
Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
Teenage girls usually get upset after discovering they are pregnant, so I console them. "Your boobs will get bigger!"
"Don't judge me" means "read my Facebook profile but don't look at the pictures."
When someone dies I never know what to say, but I think about all the horrible things I shouldn't say and hold them in.
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