Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well

   The only thing keeping me from driving off this bridge is the insurance rate increase if I survive

   Everyone deserves one free kill in life.

   I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"

   I've been to the dark side. They lied about the cookies.

   "Mom...can I wear a mini skirt today?" "NO!" "Why not I'm 17?" "Justin I said no!"

   Look..shove the pics of your grandkids down our throats all you want, fb friends, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Man, that's a goofy looking kid."

   I wonder how much pot was being consumed to phrase the expression raining cats and dogs.

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   I think less people would tempted to use an "Out of Order" Toilet... if the sign actually read... "Ain't Takin' NO Sh*t"!

   Dad: son make your bed. Son: thats like tying my shoes after I take them off.

   Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up everyday to impress you!

   i think we should call comedians laughletes

   Just because you're talking, doesn't mean I'm listening.

   If a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, what brings the girls?

   Okay Facebook lovers, you can shove your lovey-dovey cute couple pics down our throats all you want, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Gee what a goofy looking couple"

   Danica Patrick is on the pole. That has a nice ring to it....

   Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco one more sec

   Excuse me, I may drink a little more then I should tonight ~ Pitbull