Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Presidents Day: A day when America celebrates when they actually had presidents worth celebrating.

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   just stopped a leaky pipe with Silly putty...who's Silly now?

   Starting a 'like' petition.....who would prefer Cheez Its would use the 'immature' cheese

   Fun Fact of The Day: Barbies get fat too, if you microwave them

   Wonders who first decided that female genitalia resembled a beaver? Was there a flat flapping tail? Teeth?

   We should have a "Homeless" Day....celebrated with sales of anything in a large cardboard box and maddog

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   Why are the other countries celebrating our presidents day by dancing, pointing and laughing?

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…

   A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!

   I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!