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One of my ex's dreams in life was to go on a helicopter ride, so like the good guy I was, I made it come true. She was air-lifted to the hospital after I cut the brake lines on her car 
FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.
My kids call themselves changing their rooms around. All they did was move the t.v
She stole my heart so I told her to keep it. Thats not the part I'm going to be needng to bang all her friends with anyway.
ME: Wanna go out with me? GIRL: I have a boyfriend. Me: I have a test tomorrow. GIRL: And? ME: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on
Wow... My boyfriend deleted me off Facebook last night.. I was single and didnt even know it!
Three skiers kiled in an avalanche today... meanwhile in my living room me and my beer remain totally safe.
Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe
Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.
My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it
Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.
There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon
nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars
My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.
Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!
There has to be a way to combine Full Metal Jousting and driving. Bet I wouldn't get cut off anymore.
I've got 99 problems so I metaphorically placed each one in a luft balloon and then started slamming beers on the wall.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.
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