Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   remember, it is not a lie if you believe it!

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.

   cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

   My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son."

   My favorite beer? A cold and full one.

   This world is in desperate need of a Sarcasm Font.

   For the chicks who forget why your boobs are so awesome...grab them and you'll remember why.

   told by his girlfriend that she dreamt I was going to give her a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. She asked me what this meant and I told her she'll know via my present that evening. She didn't enjoy the "What dreams mean" book I gave her for V day!