Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   after getting sacked from work and going home to my wife all depressed she asked me "what's wrong"! Apparently "your jean size" was not the right answer!

   my wife just served me breakfast in her sexiest underwear....... would have prefered it on a plate though. the beans and egg leaked through the gusset.

   I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...

   went to the pharmacy to pick up some muscle relaxers..they were out so they substituted with bone relaxers..

   mustaches are great, but when you shave them suddenly, clearly your lip is fugly

   jus stole my bosses car, gonna put a swastika on it and drop it off in da hood

   blowing bubbles for the kids, they insist I blow cigarette smoke in em cuz they sink and explode like grenades. hope they get me an iron lung for my b'day this yr

   as soon as the wife leaves for work, the kids grab their helmets for the amazing treadmill/catapult

   I understand how people feel when they see their ex with someone else. I feel the SAME way when I see the pizza guy at somebody else house

   Hey toilette paper manufactures, you think you can make the last six sheets a courtesy red? Thanks

   bums would prob do better recyclin their shoppin carts instead of cans

   the m0ment when someone shaves a beard and you had no idea they were THAT ugly

   I wonder what it feels like to spend an entire Saturday trying to come up with something funny to post here and getting no love at all... Not that I spent all day thinking this up or anything...

   my father called me an asswipe, I said the wipe didnt fall far from the ass

   just watched Whitney Houston's funeral on DVR... is it just me, or did her performance seem a bit stiff?

   rearranging my bird's perches jus to watch him fall..

   if we spelled things by sounding them out like we should...i wood werk in the sitty

   In need of a b-pong partner... If you're not super cute, then you better be the nuts at pong.

   you will never convince me a dude with 2 hoop earrings doesnt look gayeeee

   old age homes are gonna be filled with saggy tramp stamps at diaper changin time....mmm sexxxy