Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   i guess dione warwick and her psychic friends couldnt eveb predict whitneys death.

   Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech

   It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

   A real home improvement warehouse would have a marriage counselor.

   I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.

   Wanted: Dyslexics to work 5 to 9.

   I never realised there is a career for statues in the movie industry until I watched Bella in Twilight.

   a cheap little bb gun, sometimes it shoots to the right, sometimes it shoots to the left, and sometime it doesn't work at all. Kinda like a politician!

   Couple driving home, they run over a Badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but cold. Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks", he says "Well hold the Badgers nose then!"

   My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into a lot of money. Last night he shagged a fat bird called Penny - how spooky is that?!