Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.

   brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   wtf? the side effects of my script includes all my symptoms, how am I gonna know if its working?

   i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again

   Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”

   i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings

   When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.

   Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!

   whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."

   Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.

   going to the bar horny is like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you always come home with more than you needed

   for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"

   It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.

   INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it.

   You're a true 90's kid if you've ever heard someone say "Get off the phone, I have to use the Internet."

   I may be Schizophrenic.......but at least I have each other.

   The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.