Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   That moment when you leave your facebook up around your friends when you get a msg, friend request, and a few notifications to make it look like your popular

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........

   That moment of epic sadness when you shut down the computer and then you realize that you need it again.

   One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

   Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

   No but seriously if you are still posting pics of what you got for Valentines you do know you are the other chick right?

   I bet Martin Luther King hit the snooze button like 40 times to try & get back to his awesome dream.

   that moment when you step into your car after work and unleash the thousands of farts you've been holding in all day

   "It's complicated" is Facebook for "he's not hittin' it right."

   Sometimes I like to take the bus instead of drive its because there aren't usually 9 hot mexicans in my car.

   I'm convinced. Some peoples' brains are still on dial-up.

   Will all the mourners outside Whitney Houston's home please form a line......it's what she would have wanted.

   I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

   Putting sandbags around my toilet in preparation for tomorrow.

   What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.