Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   Brandi from 'Storage Wars' has humongous jugs

   Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed....

   my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.

   just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

   ESPN would explode if Jeremy Lin wore a Yankee uniform and dunked on LeBron in front of Brett Favre and then Tebowed

   Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.

   White folks are so comfortable with rap music nowadays that we gonn start seein' fanny packs that say "Thug Life".

   6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.

   Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   If your wife totally let's herself go and looks nothing like when you dated her, you should be allowed to divorce her.

   Bi$ch please, I can wipe 90 percent of you're so called "BEAUTY" off with a freaking towel!

   Last night my wife and I had a dinner party. About Halfway through it, I decided to walk the dog. My wife went mental and told me to grow up and stop doing tricks with my yoyo.