Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   just stuck pink sparkly streamers in the handgrips of a custom skull painted harley in the parkin lot, now I jus waitin for the ogre..i mean, owner to find em

   I like to people watch. Mainly when they're in the shower

   I can't decide if the new guy is a really nice helpful kind guy or if he's a creepy serial killer type.It's such a fine line sometimes

   by the way, in the summer, any car with an open window is considered an appropriate recepticle for your dogs bag o poo.

   straddling the bowling ball return, pretending I'm laying eggs

   The temps here (Orlando, FL) were in the low 30s three days ago. Today, the highs are supposed to hit the mid 80s. At exactly what point in time was Mother Nature replaced by The Three Stooges?

   carefully placed a spider egg sack under my ex's pillow

   southern people are poor and resourceful, ghetto people are poor and rob you

   got my cape, diaper, and mask...off to my mandatory job interview, stupid unemployment

   restaraunts, where everyone imagines their food goes from the floor to your plates, but we eat it anyway, no matter how expensive

   People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him

   got 99 problems, and money is all of them

   Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.

   nothing says I love you like saying, "if I cant have you , no one can" and demanding a reply with a .38 special

   Every so often I like to stick my head out the window and look up and smile for a satellite picture.

   "OMG I got flowers and chocolate! I should take a picture of them and post it on my Facebook page so everyone can know I got flowers and chocolate!" - Some Silly ho on Facebook.

   jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   bought some beef jerky, or as its commonly known..a shoe repair kit

   Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.