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facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option 
If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!
Now Taking Applications For A VALENTINE. APPLY BELOW
An optimist is the dude who yells out "Wet t-shirt contest!" during the sinking of the Titanic.
come up with a new drink: Nyquil on the rocks. It's for when you feel sick but still want to be social.
Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.
if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.
How much face would a facebook book if a facebook could book face?
How can the world end in 2012, if I have a can of corn that expires in 2013?
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.
Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...
Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one
Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”
A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play damn games.
Valentines Day is almost here! I still can't find my handcuffs and whip!!
Dear Valentine's Day, Thanks for taking all the happily dating/married couples in the world and shoving them in my face. Screw you too Cupid.
Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up
Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.
Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!
A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.
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