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I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough 
Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.
Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"
If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.
Sometimes when I say "I guess" I'm not really guessing. Feels good to finally clear the air.
Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.
If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account.
thinks that proofreading is my worst enema.
thinks that "Ignorance is bliss" is my personal motto because it hasn't steered me wrong and even if it has, how would I know?
refuses to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.
I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.
The Honeymooners, The Flintstones, The King Of Queens, The Simpsons and The Family Guy. They all star big dudes with thin chicks. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR US, MIKE N' MOLLY!
just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...
wondering what a "PANG of DISAPPOINTMENT" is....
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."
The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can't afford the batteries now !!'
Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…
If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?
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