Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving

   I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.

   peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...

   What's the difference between a woman and a mermaid? Nothing, they're both lady on top and fishy down there!

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.