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Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it!! 
Not caring about having a great body..caz lets face it food is better !
I love to run my finger up the outline of a womans camel toe.
I don't care about Heidi Klum and seal divorcing. Now if there is a news report of the Kardishians being hit by a piece of that Russian satellite it would be a good news day.
If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.
Shoutout to blondes who put on lip gloss before they brush their teeth.
I enjoy long hugs and slow kisses.
So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"
First words I said upon waking up today were " DAVID DOESN'T CARE !!!!! " See I was woken up once again by the smut upstairs arguing and scremaing over the phone with her boyfriend David
Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.
Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.
When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys
Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.
Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors.
Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.
If someone from New Jersey bites you, are you from New Jersey?
I took a taste from the bag of white powder I found in my son's backpack and my worst fears were realized. Gymnastic chalk.
Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph.
The people doing it in pornos are in love, right?
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