Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   my New Years Resolution is to be less laz

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you or atleast that is what my wife says.

   Don't have safe sex unless you know the combination.

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.

   I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. :/

   I tend to say " I don't know" when i'm too lazy to speak.

   I wonder how great philosophers would have felt to see their great knowledge being quoted on Facebook because someone thinks it applies to their baby daddy's issues........hhmmmm

   Maybe if the Spaniards hadn't wiped them all out, the Mayans would have completed their f*cking calendar!

   there a way to write a Yelp review for one of my girlfriend's farts?

   I just finished washing a load of paper plates if anyone's wondering about my bank account balance.

   If you play a Nickleback song backwards you will hear Satanic messages, even worse, if you play it forward you'll hear Nickleback

   Dear old love: I used to fantasize about you dying so that I could be single again. I'm so glad I decided to leave you instead of waiting for you to die.

   I missed my ex today so I reloaded & shot again

   you never see the chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials anymore...makes me wonder what's in those 99 cent burritos

   Dear ex, can you please return my dignity I left at your place but you can keep my Nickelback Cd collection.

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra & Rihanna?

   I will stop Loving you, when an Apple fruit grows on a mango tree, on the 30th Day of February ♥

   If you are not Happy being Single, You will never be Happy in a relationship.

   Big Girls don't cry...(They eat)

   The only time a girl should Kneel down for a guy, is the day she ties her son's shoe-laces.