Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   B.O.B = Bacon Over B!tches

   If you're gonna copy my status, at least put me as a reference.

   Wife: Promise me, you'll let my mom ride in the first car with you at my funeral. Husband: OK, but it'll ruin my day.

   WARNING: Drinking alcoholic before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

   Stretch before sex: every year 11,000 Americans are injured trying tricky sexual positions.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar... No, really, he walks out.

   Morning sex means, “I love making love to you so much that your dragon breath doesn't even phase me.

   Nothing says “Good Morning… I Love You!” like morning sex.

   Ladies: You texted him but he hasn't texted back? Don't be too quick to assume he is ignoring you, instead assume he was obviously so excited to get your text message that he fainted.

   Every business has its busy season. The gyms are now bracing for their two-week onslaught of door crashers.

   The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.

   If I had $100 for everytime I read something funny on your Facebook page, I would still be broke.

   FACT: Hairy women like rough sex!

   The awkard moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet..

   The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.

   Doesn't seem like a good sign that I asked for a to-go box at this Mexican restaurant, and they brought me a casket.

   I think all Walmart bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

   Katy Perry kissed a guy that looks like a girl and apparently didn't like it.

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.