Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.!!!!!!!!!

   "Hey, do you have any of that marshmallow vodka I keep hearing about on 'The View'?" (things never heard in biker bars)

   Let's all go caroling at a Jehovah's witness house...

   I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ

   so....I almost got beat up in jail last night !....my family takes Monopoly very seriously....

   "dude, he just called you a girl" "oh hell no! hold my purse."

   I'm watching Scarface because I'm gangsta. On VHS because I'm old school. At Wal-Mart because I'm homeless.

   I name my pen!s "Attention" because we all know how much women love attention

   Only 12 % of the earths population can solve this in 30 seconds. Say the 0pposite of these words: 1) always 2) coming 3) from 4) take 5) me 6) down

   The best way to "baby proof" your house is to wear a condom.

   Dear Santa, when I said I wanted something blingy around my neck.... STREP THROAT is NOT what I had in mind :/

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it's a Booty Call!

   Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”

   I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.

   Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.

   The Christmas spirit is gone and I blame the Ghostbusters!

   I met a girl and she must had been really into me cause she gave me her number. She must be on TV cause her number begins with 555... Score!!!!

   North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il reportedly died of heart attack. What a shock! He had a heart?!? Really?!?

   Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa are separating. The beautiful couple were together for 10 1/2 years. That's equivalent to 53 Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriages.