Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't need a fortune-teller. I already know how i'm gonna die thanks to all those Chain letters

   TO DO LIST: 1:Buy a flat screen TV. 2:Hang it on the wall. 3:Watch 'The Ring' & see that b!tch fall when she crawls out from my TV.

   lazy rule: if you can't reach it, you don't need it. if you do need it, scream HELP!! HELP!! someone will eventually show up.

   batteries go dead in the t.v remote, take every toy in your childs room apart to find AA's.

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie

   trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.

   Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.

   Random thought: What's more fucked up? A girl posting a status "I got an abortion " or people that click the "like" button her status?

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.

   I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.

   Why is it there's always "that guy" wearing a jersey to a NFL game when his team is not playing there?!?!?

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   while running full speed, that moment between life and death when someone pushes you past your speed limit

   You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.

   the moment of horror after talking to a gorgeous woman, when you go to the men's room and spot a visible booger hanging out of your nose.

   the moment of horror when you are in a public restroom, your pee goes in 3 differant directions and you piss on your pant leg.

   I hate ants but I love fire= Not a good combination for the ants.>:D

   when my wife isn't home, i'm the head of the household and what I say goes!!!

   Profile Pictures: Guys- (•_•) Girls- (°3°)