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Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel. 
your not drunk till you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth
"do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this...ever
Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in
Drinking game: Take a shot or chug a beer everytime Tony Romo says "you know" during an interview or press conference.
Im a bit more cautious when deleting my internet history. I thought it might look a bit suspicious that I haven't been on the internet for two years.
96% percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
Pretending that the laser pointer app on your phone tells you if your kid brushed his teeth good enough..priceless!
it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life
The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM.
Welcome to FaceSpace
go search google for let it snow. very cool effect.
used to be funny, once a pun a time...
Call one of those sexy girl hotline and they charge by the minute. Just my luck I got a sexy girl who stutters
The higher the monkey goes up the poll, the more you see of the monkey's butt.
Ladies: There is no sign language in love. If he didn't say it, he didn't mean it. Stop assuming and putting words into his mouth.
Some things just never change. You know that kid who used to steal your favourite toy only to break it and throw it away? Now he is the douchebag who steals your girlfriend, use and break her heart then dump her.
I've learnt that money can't buy love, it can only buy you attention and company while it lasts.
i just hate it when I buy a loaf of bread with an odd number of slices. That last slice always seems to get neglected.
What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!
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