Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   Everyone is telling Hitler jokes, but I do Nazi what's so funny. It's out of Mein Kampfort zone, Anne Frankly, I'm tired of it

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   I remember the first habit I picked up. The other nuns just stared in horror!

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   Oops. Out of milk. Guess who's having disappointment for breakfast...:(

   I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

   I'm wearing my Sketcher Shape-ups, or as I affectionately call them: Can't-Get-Laid(s).

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...