Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dreamt I was forced to eat my way out of a ginger bread house

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong…

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

   I am the 0.001% that doesn't cheat in relationships.

   Everyone has a 'vodka incident'

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card

   I failed my human anatomy exam today. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm blind in one ear though.

   "Baby, baby, baby, OHHH". Dad: Son, are you listening to Justin Bieber? Kid: No, I'm watching porn Dad: Oh, thank GOODNESS!

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   You know you are useless when no one is ever scared of losing you.

   The other day I was trying to think of Cris Brown's biggest hit....That's when I realized it was Rihanna!

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

   Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Things women find attractive: A man who leaves the room to pass gas so she wont feel tortured.

   Tried explaining twitter to Sharon but her "Why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!

   next time someone calls you answer "Canadian Abortion Clinic, where no fetus can beat us"

   I am kinda getting tired of listening to those little pink elves sing about walking in an Orgy wonderland on the Tmobile commerical. I still have not figured out what having an orgy has to do with cell phone but lets hope they don't post pics with the new

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.