Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I promise to avoid all cliches like the plague.

   Now appearing on center stage..the sweet...the delicious...miss Candy Cane.

   at the DMV....I guess there on the honor system...I'm 3 inches taller and I just lost 65lb's.

   When you enter a relationship, it's as if you sign a contract that says, “I give you 70% of my feelings. I acknowledge that you can play with them, make them feel good, and I also acknowledge that you can freaking destroy them.”

   I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.

   I say we consolidate all ska bands into one giant ska band, unless that's what happened already.

   now when you go to a restaurant & say "im so hungry I could eat a horse" it might actually be on the menu

   What do Amish people and homeless people have in common? They can't read this.

   God looked at Adam when Eve fell into the ocean and asked: "How am I gonna get that smell out of those fish??"

   (`-`) (._.) ('-' ) (._.) ( '-' ) (' -'), Oh excuse me! Just looking for a F*ck to give.

   Student driver signs are like putting a dunce hat on your car.

   Dear mom and dad, please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent 3 years making airplane noises with it.

   Make love, not war. Hell do both, get married.

   I've always wanted to know what was Victoria's secret…

   If you had to guess how many times I've visited your Facebook profile what would you say?

   Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. 

   I'm not talking about Facebook, I want to know how to block you in real life.

   The three phases of love: 1. XOXO 2. XXX 2. EX

   I dont know much about pies, but baby, you make my banana cream

   I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!