Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.

   I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.

   I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys

   I like turtles because they're so chill- They're just like: "Hey man, I want to swim, & maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time.

   You know what I hate?..when my key ring starts to fill itself up with unknown keys. Where do these extra keys come from?

   If anyone happens to catch me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them back unblinking and still singing, until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   I programmed my GPS voice to AC/DC. Now every morning on my way to work it tells me I'm on the Hightway To He!!

   They say a picture is worth a thousand words... have they ever noticed that a middle finger is worth a million?

   I Escaped from the island of Misfit people..

   Santa is the original Voyager!

   My dream pet would be a mermaid.

   What do women and A 10 Pin bowling ball have in common .??

   Omg I'm so hungry I could eat my ex wife's cooking while sitting at the table with my ex mother in law!

   So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?

   I rode in an ambulance today....I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER like a valet service.

   If we're in a car and I love the song on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I now hate you

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   I wonder what I did at work before I had and I-phone and Facebook.

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!

   Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.