Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   After Watching a scary movie.:IT'S OKAY I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP TONIGHT ANYWAY.

   Never tell your woman shut up... just tell her that her lips are sexy when they are closed...

   Strip Clubs dont make any sense to me. Its like somebody putting a hot turkey in front of you and all you can do is yell at it

   Do you believe in gosh?

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   NBA - N|ggas Back Again

   Just finished a frenzied reciprocal poke session on facebook. I think my finger just came.

   Mr. Krabs needs to get a DNA test on Pearl.

   They'll hate you if you're pretty. They'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack and they'll hate you for what you got.

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them. ♥

   My dating profile is:- Likes poetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead thing's with a stick.

   It's gotten to the point where I judge people solely on how many Dumb & Dumber quotes they know.

   My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby's gotta be so clean by now. Girls are weird...

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.

   The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while jacking off.

   I went to a Gay picnic once , the music was good , decorations were just lovely . The Beer was cold , hamburgers were just delicious but the hot dogs tasted like crap .

   Motivated Idiot: Just found out Vodka is made from potatoes.... Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! I'm currently looking at this carrot, any minute now I'll be a genius.......

   Motivation Is Not Enough: If You Motivate An Idiot, All You Have Is A Motivated Idiot