Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Since Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable you wouldn't be surprised if they made mayonnaise an instrument

   If people can now use pepper spray to get the last piece of junk at Walmart, then I'm going to start using it for unwanted meeting requests.

   Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results.

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.

   If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

   Life isn't worth living for, unless you have something worth dying for.

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night on Saturday does not prevent Sunday. There is no cure.

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the heck women are actually trying to say.

   The girls at Hooters may be hot, but when it comes down to it, the girls at Subway are the real wife material.

   Life is all about ass, everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one :)

   It'd be interesting to see statistics of your life after you die. Like, what joke you found the funniest, how many times you smiled, how many times you laughed, how many times you lied, or how many people you loved.

   If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then the life of someone who lives there must become a void once they leave town.

   Dear Santa, I've been really good today, so lets focus on that!

   Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? And we were the butt of aliens' jokes, i.e. "You're stupid as an Earthling."

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 2% natural flavors...make lemonade.

   Welcome to High School. Pick 2- Good Grades, Enough Sleep, or a Social Life

   It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.

   I would love to hear more music that is not about sex or even love, because there is other stuff in life.