Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her... I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses."

   If your Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" it's not really that hard to understand. Most of your friends have already figured out you're past the online formalities and are officially into stalking stage.

   "And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher

   I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.

   Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS. 

   the odds of going to the store for one item, and coming out with only one item, are a billion to one.

   #HeyWendy, stop naming every #cheeseburger after your dad. I don't need to know that he's 'hot n' juicy', it's weird.

   I want to name a race horse "my face”, that way everyone will be shouting “come on my face!"

   Me and all my old pals all reconnected over some beers last night! ...Besides, that AA meeting really made us all thirsty.

   This holiday season, keep it green...smoke joints, not cigarettes.

   Chocolate helps everything..exept obesity..

   My girlfriend wants something for Christmas that goes 0-200 in 3 seconds...So I think I will get her a scale.

   I'm a leader, not a follower.. Unless it's a dark place, then screw it, you're going first!

   Whenever I'm leaving the schools bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting,we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   If I had a CrystalBall... I'd be very careful every time I sat down.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

   Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones. Which is funny, because people of Abu Dhabi do.

   Naughty phrases you can only say on Thanksgiving: Just wait your turn youll get some! You still have a little bit on your chin! Its cool whip time! Its a little dry do you still want to eat it? If I undo my pants I'll burst.